My heart is aching. My soul is screaming in pain and agony.
The feelings are starting to fold in on me. I feel bound and weighted.
Suffocatingly the clock is ticking, so fast.
My birthday is 1 week from today. My last birthday was the first time I left my little man for the weekend. He was so happy, so healthy, so strong. I spent the weekend away, forever losing my last weekend with my son. A time I can NEVER get back. I never spent another weekend with my family, whole and together. Never again another happy Saturday morning waking up with Bob, spending that slow morning getting Eli ready for the day. Never another quiet Sunday morning, just Eli and I while everyone was gone. NEVER. Those moments are forever gone, never to be had again.
The guilt I feel for missing that last weekend. The pain. Never did I know that I would lose my son 1 week after my birthday. 1 week. The thought of acknowledging my birthday, let alone celebrating it feels torturous, painful. The guilt overwhelms me. How can I celebrate the fact that I left, I missed that weekend? I can't. Maybe some day but right now the emotions are running SOO high and I can't do it.
2 weeks from today is Eli's 1 yr angelversary. I can't. I simply can't. The pain is building, like I would have never thought possible.
3 weeks from yesterday is 1 yr since we buried our beautiful tiny man. 3 weeks from yesterday Bob and I will be running our 1st 1/2 marathon. We will be crossing the finish line at almost the exact moment our Son's coffin was lowered into the ground.
Right now I simply can't find words to convey how I'm feeling.
What I can say is please be gentle with us. Please give us some leeway. Contact us. Talk about him. Share stories and pictures. Keep his name and memory alive. Come over and sit with us. Cry with us. Please don't push us though. We have to do what we NEED to make it thru these next few wks and the lifetime before us.
Please don't tell us that we are "doing this the wrong way", for there is no right or wrong way. We are doing this the only way we know how, one breathe at a time. Just love us, just love our tiny man.
Always and forever tiny man.
1 comment:
Heather ,
I'm Rachel 26 from the UK and have been following your families story for a while now. I have read your blog posts and followed your Facebook , watching in growing awe and admiration at the strength each of you show day in and day out.
I have GP and a few other conditions and just came across your page one day , little was I to know that without ever meeting you or speaking directly how you would enrich my life. I feel your pain and your joy and the fight you constantly have on your hands to just get through each day.
You write so beautifully and it is so relatable , it's raw and emotionally driven, I really feel what you write. But the thought of you having to live your life feeling like that day in and day out is just almost unbearable. You are an inspiration ...
I would tell you how strong you are but I know when people say that to me I think how wrong they are. If I had a choice to be well again then forget the strength I have found and the person I have become , I would run from this is a heat beat ! And I know you must feel exactly the same , even more so !
But what does make you strong is the way you deal with this , that out of this horrific situation no person should EVER go through you help others. You write blogs , you raise awareness , you run for other sick children and you keep Eli's memory alive every day.
I also want to tell you something I heard a long time ago and really has stuck with me is "Guilt is only a useful emotion if you can change it" and you can't change it. Focus on the hundreds of weekends you did do that instead of the one you didn't. Maybe someone somewhere (I like to think it was Eli!) Knew you needed that couple of days to recharge to help you deal with what was too come.
I hope I haven't gone on too long but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your entire family.
Keep holding on ... R xx
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