depressed

brian isn't going to be able to come out here early after all. He has to work till the 14th or else they won't pay for his last semester at school. We had made all these holiday plans and now they are all gone. I now have to figure it out and do the best I can to make this holiday time as fun as possible for the kids, by myself.
I bought a tree yesterday and had to pay them extra to deliver it, put it in the stand, and bring it in the house. Even then I have to rearrainge the living room and decorate it by myself. Which should be interesting because it's a 10 ft tree! :)
Other than that life is going...Slowly. I've got alot of things to get done between now and Christmas.
Next week all the therapists will be coming out to meet with Benjamin and I and we will begin to set up his care plan. I'm excited to meet with them and get this all going.
anyways gotta get ready to get out the door for school. then home for laundry and cleaning.

Home

We are home. We made the trip in 7 1/2 hrs!!! I was flying! We only stopped when absolutely necessary and for as short amount of time as possible. The kids are beyond hyper this evening and a bit grumpy, but atleast we made it home fairly quickly. We forgot to throw out one of our pumpkins before leaving, and lets just say i'll never forget that again. It was the nastiest thing I've ever had to clean up. It dripped down the table and all over the floor. Not fun at all. The sun room smells like yucky pumpkin. Once the kids go to bed I will be lighting a strong smelling candle for awhile! :)
Tomorrow will be nice! Emily and Jace both have school and Ben has his all day daycare! I'm going to stay home and unpack, do laundry, organize, and clean, and get all the fall decorations down so we can get all the Christmas decorations up! I'm hoping to get alot done tomorrow!
Brian gave his 2 wk notice today. He was really nervous but it went well! Everyone was excited for him! I think this will make the end for him so much easier! He now has 92 hrs left to work and he has to do it all in 10 days! :) He'll be busy! We are all so excited that the end is almost here FINALLY!
anyways the kids are out of control and fighting and Ari is fussy. They need to atleast make it until 7:30 before heading to bed!

The Last Journey

The kids and I will be headed back to Iowa this morning. This is our last trip by ourselves. Brian will be joining us on December 7th. I can't wait. But I'm also beyond exhausted and completely done with all of this. I will get back to blogging once we are home, and update on the trip!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I have been thinking about everything that I'm thankful about. Sometimes the list of things to be thankful for seems so short to me lately. Everytime I think something is going to finally work out well, something happens to cloud the way. I feel as though we are being put through test after test.
BUT I am thankful for many things.
The health of my family. No matter if we do have to constantly watch Jace and his diet, he is gaining and healthy. Even though Ben is autistic, he is still a beautiful healthy child! Emily and Ari are healthy and happy and thriving!
I'm thankful that our house is supposed to close in the next 2 wks! That makes me beyond excited!!!
I'm thankful that Bri gives his 2 weeks notice soon and graduation is almost here! Meaning Bri will be joining us in Iowa soon.
I'm thankful that we are ONE COMPLETE family now! That makes me so excited, that I can't even find words for it!
I'm thankful that I'm now at 69lbs lost!!! I have 34 more lbs to my goal!!!
I'm thankful for all of my friends! Without them I can't imagine how I would have made it through these last few months!
I'm thankful that last night my date night with Bri ended in a great visit relazing around the living room with great friends! :)

Today will be a great day! Family and food!!!! Couldn't be better! I hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving!!!

HUGS and LOVE to all of our family and friends!

Quick Check In

We are in Wichita, obviously, and have been here since last Wednesday. We don't leave until next Monday, 1 week from today. It's been nice to see everyone! Yesterady I had 6 whole hours without the kids! I went to a friends house and we made baklava and chatted. It was great!
Brian and I have spent some time just the 2 of us and that has been great as well. I also am realizing this trip how much relationships have changed being apart these last 2 months. Makes you realize who your true friendships are!

I chatted with the main worker for Ben this morning. She is going to get an appt scheduled for us as soon as we get home to get things rolling! I'm ready to get started!

Anyways that's really all for now. Everyone is good! More later!

Introducing..........

Emily Anne MOORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The adoption was finalized this morning at 11am! We are beyond excited! The judge was great! He chatted with her, gave her high 5's and told her to remind us that she now has 2 birthdays! She was pretty excited about that!
She's been floating around on cloud 9 ever since we left the courthouse!


We are in wichita and we will be here until the monday after thanksgiving!
hugs to all!

U of I

Today was Ben's appt at the University of Iowa. My friend who was supposed to watch Ari emailed at 10 something last night saying her child was sick and that she couldn't watch Ari. I ended up taking Ben and Ari for the day. We got there at 8:30 and didn't leave till almost 3. They had no naps and it made for a VERY long day. Ben saw many people today and they want him to come back for another full day to finish testing. They agree that he is 100% autistic but also wonder if something else is going on as well. Hence the other day of testing. They gave me all the referrals he needs for now to get him into speech therapy. Hopefully that will really help with the communication, memorization and echoing. They want him to work with the PECS program. So our life will become pictures. I'm ok with that as long as it helps Ben. We are also going to be looking into getting him a switch to help with his echoing and his need for repetition. So that's the basics. Clearly there was tons more info but I'm to tired to type it all out right now.

I'm pretty tired this evening. I only slept around 5 hrs last night, and it's clearly been a long day. I'm picturing an early bedtime. Tomorrow Ben will be gone all day at the babysitters. So it will be Ari and I. I'm hoping to get a few errands done and alot of laundry. So then Wednesday all I need to do is get our stuff packed and get the car loaded. Then we can get on the road first thing thursday morning.

I'm excited about this trip to Wichita. Alot is going on. It will also be my last trip in potentially for quite a while. That's weird to think about!

Ben's Newest Soaker

I'm very pleased with how this one turned out! I went one size smaller, so it would be a bit more fitted in the rise and thighs! I also went with a more expensive wool and I absolutely love the way it turned out. It's really hard to capture the color in the picture but you sorta get the idea!



Now my next project is going to be a pair of longies for Ariana. It will be my first time using the longies pattern!

Long Day

the kids have been not so great today. They get so bored on the weekends. We didn't get a whole lot today. A bit of housework and some relaxing. Ari's allergies are really bugging her, so shes not been so happy.
It looks like we are going to be coming into Wichita on Thursday instead of Saturday. Emily has decided that she wants to go to court for the adoption finalization. So we've decided that we shouldn't deny her that and that if that is the closure that she needs then it's worth missing 2 days of school for. So we will leave here thursday morning and will get in around dinner time. then court is friday morning! I can't believe we are just days away! :)
Anyways I think tonight will be an early bedtime. the kids didn't nap long and are absolutely out of control right now. Heck I could go to bed right now! :)

Open House

the boys had open house at school last night. We did art projects, played, chatted with teachers, and had cookies and milk! They had alot of fun showing us around their rooms and meeting their friends.
Today was a long day. Ben was in one of those moods and nothing went well. It was a constant melt down for him. I love him but he tries my patience so much, and I feel at a complete loss and like a complete failure with him sometimes. I just don't know what to do to help him. He has his all day assessment and appointment at the university of Iowa on Monday so I'm hoping to get some answers there.
I'm halfway through Ben's 2nd soaker. This one is made from 100 % kettle dyed wool from uraguay. it's in beautiful rich green colors. I'm really liking how the colors are looking so far! After this I'll make Ben one more soaker, and then I'm going to work on a pair of longies for Ariana. I'd also like to make some Christmas stockings! I definately like the knitting and find it super relaxing. I didn't know if I'd enjoy it but I really am! :)
anyways the kids are in bed and I'm off to watch some tv and knit before I head to bed as well!

Soaker Completed!

I finished my very first diaper soaker. I've been knitting it since Friday and finished it this afternoon! It's not perfect but for my first knitting project I think I did pretty darn good! I'll try to include a pic of it with this post!




Other than that this morning Ari and I ran errands while all the kids were at school. We got alot done. When we woke up this morning it wsa 19 degrees. That's absolutely horrible! Winter coats are required!
It also gets dark super early around here which makes for strange nights. We were finishing up our errands when it got dark this evening. Quite depressing and makes me so sleepy.
In good news we have a contract on our house. We close on November 30th. We are hoping all goes well and that the closing definately happens! We are very excited though to be almost done. I was starting to wonder if we were ever going to sell!
I'm baking 4 dozen cookies this evening! Tomorrow is open house at the boys school and I'm signed up to bring 2 dozen for each boy! Jace is very excited!
In other news Ari gained weight! She weighed 14lbs 3.2oz! YEAH!!!! I'm so darned excited that she's gaining WITHOUT formula or pumping or any of those things!
That's all! :)
counting down the days till we see everybody! Much love!

Short days LONG nights

Wow the days are super short here. It gets dark at 4:45pm. WOW! It makes me very sleepy and makes the kids sleepy too. Then it makes for really long evenings where the kids are fussy and bored and feeling tired. Last night I fell asleep on the couch at like 8:15. Ariana woke up this morning though at 4am. Talk about horrible. Sleep schedules are all screwed up right now. The wind has been horrible, putting our temperature around 21 degrees with windchill. Makes for some unpleasant times to be outside.
Emily is doing well. She had piano lessons again yesterday. She loves playing but hates practicing. She gets frustrated easily, that she doesn't always get the song immediately. She does do well though keeping up with her practice with minimal reminders. Her adoption will be finalized in 10 days and she is so excited! She is already signing her name as Moore, and loves when mail comes addressed that way. She tells everyone she's ready to be done and have her family complete when "dad hurries up and finishes in wichita". :)
Jace is doing pretty good. He's enjoying school. He's starting to make some friends, and is really starting to get everyone's names down. He is wanting to take drum lessons! We said lets wait on that! :) His school is having an open house on Thursday evening and he's so excited because his class is doing something special!
Benjamin is doing pretty good. He has his good days and his bad days, and you never know which one you will get. He had a big meltdown yesterday at a playgroup and one of the other moms jumped in and calmed him down, giving me a much needed break. He's doing well in school, and starting to talk to them more, especially during outside playtime!
Ariana is doing good! She's getting so big! She finally has her first tooth and the other one is right under the gum. She's still not crawling but scoots super fast all over the house. She gained 5 oz and I'm very happy about that. She's starting to eat soft foods and loves that! She's been a bit mommy clingy, so I'm hoping that means growth spurt! :)
I saw the chiro today and we talked about my right arm going completely numb. It's to the point that it wakes me up at night. She did xrays and my neck has 2 vertebras (sp?) out of place slightly and there is no curve in my neck. She said it's definately from the car accident, which is what I was figuring. She did an adjustment and showed me an exercise to help out. I'm not sleeping so well. I'm getting really tired. Being here by myself with the kids has been alot harder than I expected.
We went to a knitting playgroup this last Monday and it was great. I felt very welcome and at home. We've been invited to their friday playgroup as well! I'm working on Ben's soaker and am hoping to be done with it in the next day or two! I'm very excited to have almost completely my first knitting project! i can't wait to see it on him! :)
Well Little Lady is looking at me with big eyes fussing and scooting my way. So I'm off! It's almost dark and I'm going to need to get dinner going soon.
I'll be in Wichita Saturday the 17th through Monday the 26th for anyone who is wanting to know! :)
See you all soon! (well some of you anyways!)
Hugs and loves and missing you all!

sundays communication

i woke up. i fed baby. i checked emails. i talked on phone to brian. i fed kids. i take shower. i get dressed. i change diapers. i feed kids. i nurse baby. i play with kids. i feed lunch. nap time. up. more diapers. more food. more play. bed time. i watch tv. i go to bed. repeat tomorrow but add in school drop off and pick ups. my life. communication complete. i basically don't need to ever say anything else. i do the same things no matter what day it is. weekends same. weekdays add school. only difference. and since this is all that is involved in communication i'm done communicating for life.

Revisiting Communication

Well I've thought about this more during the day. Then events made me think about the opposite. I think that communication is vital. I think it's the lifeblood of each and every relationship. I think it makes it or breaks it. I think it there isn't freeflowing communication from all sides, then a breakdown occurs, that can't be easily fixed, especially by only one party. I've been a good and bad communicator. I have no problem talking. I say what I'm thinking and feeling, and am fairly open to talking with a wide variety of people. Sometimes I don't always think before I speak, and sometimes I don't "sugar coat" as much as I probably need to. I can be straight forward, sometimes to the point of crossing the invisible line, between honesty and cruelty. But I am always honest, always straightforward, and never afraid to talk. I'm a great listener, come up with creative solutions many times, and I'm not afraid to say that I have no clue. I always hope and assume that people are like me, not afraid to be honest and have a conversation. Not afraid to share their opinions even if it differs from other. Then I find out that people aren't. It's heartbreaking for me. I don't know how to deal with people and situations like that. I'm the type who will sit up for 3 days and talk it through to resolution if that's what it takes. I'm the type who will do whatever it takes to talk it out. I'm the type who likes to talk, for the fun, to get to know little tidbits about people that you won't find out without deep talking!
Some may think that I'm just rambling, but some know exactly what I'm talking about. I need communication. I need it on a deep emotional connecting level.
What does everyone else think? Am I way off? Can you relate?

communication

"The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.
Interpersonal rapport.
The art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas. "

quite the interesting word. Sounds easy enough huh? It's not. Atleast not around here lately.

More to come on this topic later today, after some thinking.

Busy and Lazy

This morning started out super lazy. I had a horrible headache and sinus pressure and had no interest in getting out of bed. The kids were finally sent to the basement to watch TV and play. I got out of bed around 8 and got my shower and had until 9:15 before they started hollering for food! We then took our time eating breakfast. Jace tried out his new gluten free cereal and really liked it! We took showers and did our bank runs. We had the DAN doc at noon, then came home for lunch and naps. We went over to a friends house after nap, and she taught me how to start reading a pattern to knit. I'm working on a wool soaker for Ben. I had a great time chatting and working. The kids all played and had fun as well. We grabbed Wendy's for dinner. The kids were like always hollering their orders to me as I ordered. I pulled up to the 1st window to pay and the guy said that he felt sorry for me. Then he proceeds to tell me that I should shoot all of my children with a tranquilizer gun. Then he ends it by telling me to have a good evening, well hopefully if my kids will all shut up. I was shocked. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe he was telling me that, and thought it was honestly quite rude. WOW. We came home, ate dinner. Ben punched Jace in the face, not once but twice. Ben got his first time out. Ari started choking and gagging. I couldn't figure out what the heck. I kept swishing my finger around in her mouth and she stopped but I couldn't figure out what was in there. I thought she swallowed it. As I was putting her to bed, she was laughing and I thought I saw something in her mouth. She had an entire leaf smashed flat stuck on the roof of her mouth. I fished it out. Scares the crap out of me. If I had put her to bed with that it could have easily gotten caught in the back of her throat. Gotta love this stage of babyness!
So none the less the kids are in bed, and I have some quiet time. TV then bed for me. I'm tired too!

Not so fun day

today hasn't been so fun. this morning i woke up at 4am. finally got up and got my shower. bri and i had a bit of a disagreement this morning starting the day off not so beautifully. got emily and jace to school and headed home for a playdate. picked up, got snack ready etc. and waited and waited and waited. after 45 minutes of waiting i finally went and tried to get my errands done. i of course didn't have enough time to finish them. got jace from school. home for lunch and naps. a friend was supposed to come over between 3 and 5. i waited. went to get emily from school and came home and waited. i finally emailed her. she forgot and her son was having a bad day. she rescheduled for tomorrow. so i ran to the store. the kids totally freaked out there. horrible. came home. ate dinner late. now the older 3 are downstairs and Ari is up here with me. I'm just exhausted. I'm missing my friends and family. i'm missing being in a familiar environment with real people. i'm missing adults, and adult interactions. Jace is constantly bouncing of the walls and getting into trouble, communication and freak outs with Ben are exhausting and there is no talking him through it, etc. I'm just stretched so thin and I'm so tired. I'm still not sleeping well at night at all. I wake up 2-3 times and not just for a minute or two, sometimes for hours. The only time I sleep well is the few nights that I'm with Brian. To top off my whole day I think I'm getting a sinus infection which probably makes it all seem even worse, because I feel like absolute crap.
I just didn't realize some of the challenges that we would face during this time. It's things that I hadn't expected, hadn't planned for. Things that I have no clue how to deal with. I also never realized I'd be so exhausted, and that I'd feel so alone.